It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
