So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you inspire me to be a worse person
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize