I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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