If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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