but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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