My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
