My nipple is on Facebook.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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