I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
