i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
