we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
