I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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