oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
