I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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