shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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