my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
