the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
