Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
