i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize