Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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