Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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