So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
