Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
