how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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