that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
