one might say we're banned from that church
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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