the condom got lost in my hair
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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