cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
