p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
