Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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