In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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