I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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