she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
