so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
