i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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