I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
