But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
