mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think my moral compass just broke
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
