Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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