How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
