i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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