just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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