4 words: hood of his car
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
