if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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