so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
