I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
