your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This house was built for laser tag.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
