Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
