my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
