dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
