I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
