I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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