just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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