According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
