Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
