it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
