I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
