I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
