Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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