You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
