The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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