You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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