i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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