I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
