Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
