if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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