I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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